Her final conclusion is that she needs to respect the unique needs and reactions of her children even when they surprise or even shock her. Some people come back stronger after a terrible experience, so it is something that we can learn and train to do. She considers how Chambers surprised people by treating his physical challenges with humor, and points out that different people deal with grief and tragedy in different ways, and that we need to find ways to turn our resilience into growth. She consulted psychiatrists and others to determine the best way to approach this with her kids, but their reactions were different than she had expected instead of being devastated, they seemed to accept his death and move on. She relates how difficult it was to inform her children that their father had passed. He was raised to find humor and opportunity in his disadvantages. Sandberg recounts the story of Tim Chambers, a painter who is nearly blind and deaf. Keeping track of small achievements or good things that happen in the midst of the worst time of our life will help us keep perspective and find some solace in the midst of misery.

Sandberg advises us to make a record of “wins,” no matter how small.

The worst thing we can do is hide from our loved one who is suffering because of perceived awkwardness. Even if it turns out to be the wrong thing, our actions will be appreciated. Instead, she advises us simply to do whatever we think is best. Sandberg addresses the hesitance so many people experience when trying to comfort the victims of tragedy, and the frustration those victims feel when constantly being asked permission. This post inspired others to come forward with their own stories of grief. She eventually posted to Facebook, asking that people not ask her “How are you?” but rather “How are you today?” in order to acknowledge that dealing with grief is a back-and-forth, up-and-down experience. Making the elephant visible is important. This trapped her, making it impossible for her to discuss what she was feeling. Sandberg discusses the “elephant in the room” and the “Mum Effect,” wherein people faced with someone else’s tragedy avoid the subject, not wanting to discuss death.

She then discusses how she experienced these “three P’s” and how she dealt with them, noting that people who avoid the “three P’s” entirely fare better when dealing with grief. Sandberg describes the “three P’s” of trauma: Personalization, the sense that tragedy happened to us because of something we did or did not do-in other words, blaming ourselves pervasiveness, the way grief infects every moment of our day and every activity we engage in and persistence, the sense and belief that the grief will never go away.

Sheryl sandberg book